Backdrops

Lukas Makeswaran 2023

 

Mirror of my soul

Introduction


In the echoes of my music, I reveal the deepest crevices of my heart, painting a picture of my journey through the labyrinth of mental health struggles and life in general.

Each melody, each lyric, is a snapshot of my life - a mirror reflecting my soul. The album is named "Mirror of my soul", a diary written in song, chronicling my narrative, my struggles, my triumphs, my moments of despair, and some sparks of hope.

Listening to it from start to finish is akin to diving into a turbulent sea, then slowly finding my way back to the surface and drop into the ocean of my emotions again. The songs build upon each other, creating a layered and profound experience, akin to reading a book where each chapter deepens the story. Each note, each rhythm, carries the weight of my emotions.

Let's delve deeper into the essence of each song.


Darkness & Light [Intro]
 

The story begins with "Darkness & Light".


This track opens the window to my soul, an introduction to the tumultuous symphony within. It is a testament to the battles I’ve faced, and the strength it took to endure.

Back to my roots


Just imagine leaving behind the walls of high school, where for years you were made to feel like an outsider, tormented for simply being yourself, along with other traumas that time should fade. I was finally feeling a sense of belonging, of safety - a feeling akin to coming home after a long journey. This song was birthed from the mind of my 13-year-old self, amidst those challenging school years. Looking back, it becomes clear that it was a beacon of hope, a testament to my steadfast belief that life was bound to get better. It was the echo of an inner voice, a persistent will to live that has remained with me throughout the years and continues to guide me today.


Fucked up again


As the echoes of high school faded, I found myself unexpectedly grappling with a wave of repressed mental health issues. Just when I thought I had finally found my footing, life started to crumble around me. Self-destruction became my coping mechanism, an unhealthy way to emphasize my inner turmoil. At the tender age of nineteen, the pressure of life became so intense that it led to a stint in a psychiatric ward, a stark reminder of how quickly things can fall apart.


Interestingly, the melody of this track is surprisingly upbeat. This may seem contradictory, but it's a deliberate choice, a poignant symbol of the way life carries on around you, regardless of your personal struggles. It's a vivid portrayal of suffering in silence, a sentiment echoed in the lyrics. This stark contrast between the music and the lyrical content serves as a powerful reminder that beneath the surface, everyone is fighting their own battles, unseen and often unrecognized.


Borderline


The struggles you go through are like an echo in your mind, like turmoils that's been churning inside you. It feels like standing on the edge of a precipice, with an abyss of emptiness, fear, and immense pressure yawning wide beneath you. You feel like running, disappearing, as the mental breakdown overwhelms you. This third single of the album is about grappling with the understanding that those who haven't lived this struggle can't truly comprehend the depths of your despair.


Drowning


Moving further along the journey, I find myself lost in an ocean of my own emotions, swallowed by a sense of despair so profound it feels like life has lost its luster. I become a solitary traveler in a desolate landscape, where all I can see is my own reflection echoing back feelings of self-pity and aching sadness. Every breath feels heavy, every moment is colored with an unbearable sense of hopelessness and grief. These feelings are more than just transient emotions; they're like a dense fog that clings, obscuring the path forward and leaving me feeling trapped in my own anguish. It's a period of intense struggle, a time where I'm sinking deeper into my own turmoil, desperately gasping for air but only finding the chilling embrace of desolation.


Stop


Just when the storm seems to have no end, there comes a moment of clarity, like the first light of dawn breaking through the thick, dark clouds. It's in this moment that I realize I need to let go of the past traumas and relax, to put up a fight against the torrent of emotions threatening to engulf me. It's time to call a halt, to take a step back from the dizzying whirlwind that has become my life.


It's not about giving up, far from it. It's about recognizing that even the strongest people stumble, that it's okay to fall because what really matters is getting back up, standing tall against the trials life throws our way. So, I take this break, not as a sign of weakness, but as a much-needed respite to regroup, to reclaim my life from the clutches of my own mental turmoil. It's about taking back control, regaining strength, and returning to the world stronger, more resilient.


The daunting walls of the clinic gradually become a memory, a symbol of the intense journey I have weathered. A testament to the fact that despite the hurdles, despite the seemingly insurmountable challenges, I did not give up. This is where the true victory lies, in the spirit of perseverance that echoes throughout this chapter of my journey.


Want to be for you


Emerging from the trials of my past, my debut single dances on the surface as a straightforward love-song. But beneath the melody, it's a testament to all the relationships that make up our lives: those we share with family, friends, co-workers, and even the strangers we meet along the way. It gives voice to the unique intensity of that relationships while you struggle, in times where emotions don't know moderation. Relationships become all-consuming, oscillating from absolute indifference to a passionate, almost desperate attachment.


I find myself seeking salvation in others, letting new connections sweep me away, seeing in them a lifeline amidst my emotional whirlwinds. It's a song of overwhelming connections, of seeking respite in relationships, of the dizzying dance between self and others.


Something (I never said)


In the continued journey of my album, this melody comes as a heartfelt tribute to those who've stood by me, a love note across all kinds of relationships. It's an unwrapped thank you note, a declaration of my love, and an acknowledgment of the sense of belonging they instill in me. It's about feeling grounded and safe in their company. As the rhythm unfolds, it evolves into a political commentary. It questions the paradox of freedom in a world bound by prejudice and injustice, highlighting the plight of marginalized groups. This fith single is a reminder that no matter how oppressive the world becomes; it can't manipulate our hearts or our true selves. The closing lines are a beacon of hope, a promise that we are in this together. It's tough, yes, but love persists, and together, we're strong.


In your arms / Without you [Interlude]


As the album carries us further, we arrive at an interlude, a stark expression of my reliance on a certain someone. 
This track echoes the unhealthy dependency I had on them, where their presence was my only refuge, much like an addict seeking solace in a substance. It shows how this powerful need permeated all aspects of my life, dominating my every thought, consuming my existence. It’s the visceral realization of feeling incomplete without them, a heart-wrenching narrative of yearning and loss.


Keep me


Then, we venture into a plea, a yearning for that vital someone to remain by my side. It's a raw confession of begging for forgiveness for actions that may have seemed inexplicable, a desperate appeal for understanding. Amidst the chaos, I tried to numb my feelings, seeking refuge in harmful habits like excessive smoking as an attempt to regulate the emotional turmoil. This song is a testament to those moments of self-destruction, a poignant outcry, painted against the backdrop of desolation and despair, for that crucial someone to stay, to persist, and to keep me grounded.


Can’t make you love me


Following that plea, we move into a more complicated space of misplaced blame. It's an intricate dance of emotions where I erroneously assign the other person all the guilt - accusing them that their treatment left me feeling exploited. In this haze of heartbreak, I become blind to my own mistakes, conveniently disregarding my part in the emotional whirlwind. Despite the negative emotions, the resentment and the blame, there's an unshakable attachment. I can't seem to let go, knowing well that it's time to move on from the relationship. This 4th single speaks to the tumultuous aftermath of a complicated relationship that's more about self-denial than the other person's faults.


Today


This emotional roller coaster then takes a dramatic turn, causing another mental breakdown. It's like standing at a crossroads where my emotional state changes rapidly - "Today I'm black, but tomorrow I'll be white." Caught in a tug-of-war between seeking protection and help, and the instinct to push people away, I become a paradox. It's an internal struggle of wanting someone to care but also fearing the intensity of that care. It's like being lost in an emotional storm where there are only extremes, no middle ground. But amidst the chaos, there's a glimmer of hope. I understand that this storm won't last forever.


You


The second single is like a breath of fresh air after the emotional storm.


There's a surge of positivity where I see the goodness in both me and the other person, recognizing that sometimes, life doesn't play out the way we want it to. It's about sending wishes for happiness to the other person, and the hope of crossing paths again in a time when I'm in a better mental state. But it can also be seen as a bittersweet love song: "Destiny has chosen our hearts belong in one place, society has decided to hunt us down for love." This encapsulates the idea that we sometimes encounter the right person, but can't be with them as we wish, since life, with its unpredictable twists and turns, might take us in different directions.


My way


Sometimes in life, we lose our bearings, and that's what this song is all about. It embodies those moments when I felt isolated, burdened with unbearable pain and grief, unsure of how to navigate through life anymore. It's like standing at the edge of an abyss of powerlessness, feeling as if the world is collapsing around me, that’s also shown by the weakness of the vocals. But even in the depths of despair, there's a tiny glimmer of hope that refuses to be extinguished.


As the lyrics go, "...I will never, I will never, I will never give up"; it's a declaration of resilience and determination. Even when the road ahead seems insurmountable, there's an underlying belief that I will find my way and life will, eventually, take a turn for the better. 

Mirror of my soul

This song serves as a retrospective, casting an eye back on the tumultuous years that have shaped me. It's about the journey through therapy, wrestling with existential questions, and grappling with my life. I've pondered the purpose of those fleeting moments of happiness if they inevitably lead back to feeling shattered.

The lyrics paint a poignant picture, "Look into the mirror of my soul, there's just a deep black hole, where once was an innocent soul." It's a raw, unfiltered reflection of my inner world, a glimpse into the depths of my being. It's no coincidence this song shares its name with the album, it encapsulates the whole journey, mirroring my soul's evolution.

So much more... [Outro]

 

As the final notes of the album fade, it's important to understand that this is not the end. This has been just one chapter of my life, my story, but there's so much more. There are countless ways to view each experience, each relationship, each challenge... and it's through these varied perspectives that we truly grow. What you've just journeyed through with me is a single slice of my story, but remember, the narrative is still being written. There are still so many chapters left to unfold, countless verses yet to be sung. 

 

My story, our story, continues... This is "so much more."